The Twelve Steps of Being a "Wing Hag"

So this Tuesday I thought to give a shout out to all the Fag Hags that make our lives that much better with their platonic, almost creepy at times, love and knowledge of their Gay Male counterparts.

Here are the 12 Steps:

Step 1: Your Hag swoops in after that bad week at work, bad break up with Mr. Oh-So-Wrong, (that she only tolerated because for a period of time you were happy with him) and gets you pumped of and drags (often literally) you out on a night you don't want to and probably shouldn't go out, for some adventure that will end in some odd, colorful, and/or risque way.

Step 2: She treats you like her own personal Life Size Ken doll. She dresses you, and/or criticizes, critiques, or alters your choice of attire without mercy, or the fear of cutting down whats left of your fragile emotions, because she knows you will thank her for it later.

Step 3: She plans the evening meticulously and in its entirety. If home, your favorite clubs, bars, lounges, or if abroad she researches venues that will maximize the focus of ensuring you have a simply FABULOUS time.

Step 4: Upon arrival at the chosen destination(s), She swiftly using her Cheetara (Yes the minx from ThunderCats) like reflexes scouts out the most opportune vantage points in which to gaze, identify, judge, and finally stalk potential prey to be the victims of this social/romantic excursion.

Step 5: She continually supplies you with copious amounts of liquid courage/social lubricant, in order to make you most relax and susceptible to the penetrating gaze of that guy in the baseball T-shirt (or whatever tickles your fancy) at the bar.

Step 6: Throughout the evening she periodically and subtly reinforces your self-esteem.  She does this by pointing out the flaws of your most recent fling (who you probably bring up every 3.47 sentences). She does this hoping the inflation of your ego causes you to lower your shields and power down you defensive batteries in order to push you to make First Contact.

Step 7: When this self-esteem boosting fails and you are still at Red Alert (which is the case 92.76% of the time) She uses her 'Hag-Swagger' to strike up a conversation then initiate a bombardment of compliment ordinance (in your favor) at the designated man target.

Step 8: If designated target seem acceptable, and susceptible to receiving further interaction, she causally inserts you both physically and verbally into the social exchange (CONTACT!). 

Step 9: She offers/insists that you buy another round for the trio (in order to show your interest and generosity, if the target hasn't taken the chance himself already) and move this shit show to the dance floor.

Step 10: When/If the time is right the Hag will summon her mystical ninja abilities to vanish, often unnoticed, allowing you and your prize to dance/mingle and explore each-other without that awkward 3rd wheel notion taking effect. If necessary, she will go so far to find her own way home in order to not interrupt the chemistry effectively  maximizing the evenings possibilities after last call.

Step 11: The following morning (but never before 1100 hours) she will appear/arrive/or meet up with you, hangover cures in tow. Once the said man target has departed for home, she will commence the debriefing of the previous night's transgressions in graphic detail.

Step 12: If/When this man target becomes a proverbial lemon, or a dead beat future Mr. Ex-Boyfriend. She simply rinses and repeats these steps till Bliss and Happiness envelops her Gay counterpart. Then she can turn her attention to her new tasks, planning your wedding/commitment ceremony, and picking out meticulously matching school outfits for you adoptive Asian twin girls.

And that my friends is a True 'Wing-Hag'

"With fronds like these who needs Anenomes"

Friends are nothing to be laughed at. However, lately I have been criticized in a few ways for not only having too many friends, but putting my friends first in certain situations and we all have had that point in a relationship where your significant other makes you think: "To me. Coming from you. Friend is a four letter word.." This boggles my mind. My close friends, those people everyone has that they can call to be there when even the person you share your life with isn't. I could be wrong but my friends are just as important if not more important than a romantic relationship in many ways, and before you get your hair/weave in a tizzy breath and hear my argument out and perhaps if you don't see things they way I do you will at least respect my opinion.

First off, growing up, outside of our family what is the first relationship we create? A friend, a school pal, Hell many children manifest their own imaginative person to be their companion. This person or mental apparition becomes our confidant, knowing our most intimate of intimates even as a child. You tell this other being whether, corporal or conjured, things you wouldn't tell your mother. Which as many have quoted in the past "Mother is God in the eyes of a child". But this being transcends even mother. Later growing up you will defy 'Mother' at times to be with friends they don't approve of, friends she thinks are 'bad influences'. Well mother, just an FYI...I was the bad influence ;-)

As we grow and progress in life we might lose track of some friends, they might move off to college and never return, or you might be the one to take a longer path away from home. But what is the first thing we do when we move to a new neighborhood, a new city, or even a new country? We attempt to make a friend. We try to create a supportive relationship, then over time a group of supportive relationships. It is these platonic bonds that I believe allow for us to have the strength to develop more romantic relationships. The best friend who plays your 'wing man', your 'counselor', your 'conscience'. They are the ones that break the ice (by sometimes literally pushing you into them nearly knocking them over) between you and the cute guy dancing across the bar looking at you but your too chicken shit to introduce yourself.

These close friends are the ones that text you asking 'Can we have a night to play video games and watch movies with just us' when your 27years old because like you they will never completely grow up. The ones who when they think they might have upset you, or disrespected you call 100x worrying you are upset only to find out that you already know what happened, have forgiven, and are planning the next time to see them. These friends are my relationships. I have held them when they lost a parent or friend, consoled them and talked them through a bad break up, been their for them when they were tearing their hair out studying for the GRE's, MCATs, or Bar Exam. Carried them home the nights they drank to much and sleeping beside them incase they got sick in the night (because you'd rather get puked on then lose them). I do this because, they have, and would do this for me.

So when in a romantic relationship, I feel it should not only be a desire, but a responsibility for you to make the time away from your lover to see the ones who love you and will be their for you if and when the lover is gone. I feel that people who shut themselves out of the world when they find a special someone are doing nothing but disrespecting the ones that love them without the need for a romantic relationship, and if you do this enough, and the time comes when you need them they might not be there. You might have broken platonic hearts, missed birthdays, dinners, parties, and other events because you were to self absorbed in your own relationship. Then the day comes when you are single lonely and realize "Shit, I have no friends, because I was a terrible one". So next time your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/spouse or even that ugly word 'PARTNER' (I find that term so distasteful and some sad attempt for people who don't understand same sex relationships to segregate people further), wants to go out and have a guys/girls night, weekend, vacation you let them. You squeeze them tight when they leave and say 'have fun'. Honestly it will only make a romantic relationship stronger when you take care of the platonic relationships in your life.

I do not pretend to think that some don't people go to far and neglect the romantic relationship in their lives for the platonic ones at times, but like everything in this world, and every other, life only exists when their is proper balance. So see your friends a couple nights/days a week. Spend time alone with someone special the same amount of time, and don't forget to spend time with yourself, or just like any friend you might lose them to.


Love is Love, whether it happens in a platonic, or romantic relationship. I love my friends, and no one is going to 'break us up' if I have anything to say about it.


I love you guys