The Twelve Steps of Being a "Wing Hag"

So this Tuesday I thought to give a shout out to all the Fag Hags that make our lives that much better with their platonic, almost creepy at times, love and knowledge of their Gay Male counterparts.

Here are the 12 Steps:

Step 1: Your Hag swoops in after that bad week at work, bad break up with Mr. Oh-So-Wrong, (that she only tolerated because for a period of time you were happy with him) and gets you pumped of and drags (often literally) you out on a night you don't want to and probably shouldn't go out, for some adventure that will end in some odd, colorful, and/or risque way.

Step 2: She treats you like her own personal Life Size Ken doll. She dresses you, and/or criticizes, critiques, or alters your choice of attire without mercy, or the fear of cutting down whats left of your fragile emotions, because she knows you will thank her for it later.

Step 3: She plans the evening meticulously and in its entirety. If home, your favorite clubs, bars, lounges, or if abroad she researches venues that will maximize the focus of ensuring you have a simply FABULOUS time.

Step 4: Upon arrival at the chosen destination(s), She swiftly using her Cheetara (Yes the minx from ThunderCats) like reflexes scouts out the most opportune vantage points in which to gaze, identify, judge, and finally stalk potential prey to be the victims of this social/romantic excursion.

Step 5: She continually supplies you with copious amounts of liquid courage/social lubricant, in order to make you most relax and susceptible to the penetrating gaze of that guy in the baseball T-shirt (or whatever tickles your fancy) at the bar.

Step 6: Throughout the evening she periodically and subtly reinforces your self-esteem.  She does this by pointing out the flaws of your most recent fling (who you probably bring up every 3.47 sentences). She does this hoping the inflation of your ego causes you to lower your shields and power down you defensive batteries in order to push you to make First Contact.

Step 7: When this self-esteem boosting fails and you are still at Red Alert (which is the case 92.76% of the time) She uses her 'Hag-Swagger' to strike up a conversation then initiate a bombardment of compliment ordinance (in your favor) at the designated man target.

Step 8: If designated target seem acceptable, and susceptible to receiving further interaction, she causally inserts you both physically and verbally into the social exchange (CONTACT!). 

Step 9: She offers/insists that you buy another round for the trio (in order to show your interest and generosity, if the target hasn't taken the chance himself already) and move this shit show to the dance floor.

Step 10: When/If the time is right the Hag will summon her mystical ninja abilities to vanish, often unnoticed, allowing you and your prize to dance/mingle and explore each-other without that awkward 3rd wheel notion taking effect. If necessary, she will go so far to find her own way home in order to not interrupt the chemistry effectively  maximizing the evenings possibilities after last call.

Step 11: The following morning (but never before 1100 hours) she will appear/arrive/or meet up with you, hangover cures in tow. Once the said man target has departed for home, she will commence the debriefing of the previous night's transgressions in graphic detail.

Step 12: If/When this man target becomes a proverbial lemon, or a dead beat future Mr. Ex-Boyfriend. She simply rinses and repeats these steps till Bliss and Happiness envelops her Gay counterpart. Then she can turn her attention to her new tasks, planning your wedding/commitment ceremony, and picking out meticulously matching school outfits for you adoptive Asian twin girls.

And that my friends is a True 'Wing-Hag'